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Santa doesn’t have time to question his existence tonight


As a memento, Alan Phillips of Mosman kept a note that his son scrawled in crayon and left by his bed years ago on Christmas Eve. “It read: ‘Dear Santa, if you are real please leave me a bike. If you are not real please get Dad to leave me one’.” As if Santa doesn’t have enough to do on Christmas Eve, now he’s expected to answer philosophical questions about his own existence too!

It seems that the local Santa may not be bringing gifts to homes around the area of Meri Will of Northmead this Christmas. “Yesterday I saw him hanging by the neck from a neighbour’s balcony. It was a shocking and gruesome sight. Our only hope might be for the dropping of hard demarcation borders so that other Santas can do the deed.”

In Harrington, hometown of Joy Cooksey, it is “the local fire engine whooping its way through the streets, replacing reindeer and sleigh, that signals to waiting children that Santa and his hard-working helpers are on their way with small gifts for all.”

Peter Mayes of Petersham will always remember Wednesday, 22nd December, 2021. “A very strange thing happened. I was actually in my apartment when the postman rang the bell for a delivery … and then he actually came up to the third floor and delivered the package personally!”

“A few days ago on the Coogee promenade there was a llama dressed up in a red cloak with white fur trim, happily posing for photos with delighted kids,” writes Geoff Gilligan of Coogee. “Does this qualify as a first sighting for Column 8?” Let Granny ruminate on it.

Anne Cook of Ermington admits that she, too, grew up referring to telegraph poles (C8). “We’re far from alone in this. How about those who still refer to a newborn’s weight in pounds and ounces and a person’s height in feet and inches?”

Wendy Akers of Pearce (ACT) is probably not the only one who considers herself severely chastised after reading Dave Williams’ tale. “Every time I heard about the urea shortage (C8) I wondered why the drivers didn’t just urinate into their exhaust systems.”

All that is left now is for Granny to wish her readers the merriest of Christmases. Look after yourselves and each other and, in keeping with the spirit of Column 8, may your festive weekend be filled with amusement and absurdity, with more bonhomie than belligerency.

Column8@smh.com.au

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